desperation

i use to dream of being a martyr.  seriously.
i dreamt of desiring nothing more than giving everything because of my love for Christ.
i dreamt of laying all my wants, needs, desires, and comforts aside and charging full steam ahead for His Kingdom.

now i dream of shaking off these chains that bind me.
chains of desires to look a certain way. chains of desires to accomplish xyz...
chains to be accepted in this world....this world that rejected, and still rejects Christ

facebook, pinterest, all this social media is ruining us. being single minded toward heaven is difficult enough with the spiritual warfare fought in mind and heart's battlefield, but now, on a daily basis, we are bombarded with images and declarations of: look how "beautiful" i am, look how rich i am, look how much stuff i have, look how awesome of a housewife i am, etc...and those of us that are not, as much as we don't want to, we slip into comparison mode. if we don't slip into comparison mode, we slip into righteous indignation mode: "don't you know that for what you spent on that, you could pay for an impoverished child in uganda's (rwanda, ethiopia, etc.) school, food, and medical for a year!" or "don't you know there are much bigger issues plaguing our world right now--human trafficking, hunger, disease, genocide!" and then we become so welled up with anger--indignation, that we want to alienate ourselves from those people....maybe that's just me?

"you adulterous people! do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity against God? therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy with God" --james 4:4

as i laid in bed tonight, next to the husband, my mind was turning so greatly, the violent swirls of thoughts, ponderings, and worries began to physically affect my heart, my body. i felt my heart race, and i felt discomfort rise.  "honey" i asked, "do you ever think about how we are going to serve His Kingdom greater together than we could apart? how do you think that looks" i bring these broken fragments of my heart in forms of concerns to him almost daily, so he wasn't completely caught off guard by this question. he responded that as we grow together, grow older together, grow in our place in life, this is going to change, that we're just now beginning our life together (we were married only 4 months ago), and we need to strengthen ourselves in that before we can really focus entirely on serving others.  he has a point.  my heart is so fragile right now, it must be strengthened before it pours back out. ---fragile in a good way. i am so desperate for Jesus, Jesus alone, that i dream again of martyrdom (recognizing that my life is but an offering for Him). i dream of grasping that appearances, weight, etc. don't define me. i dream of others realizing stuff, status, etc doesn't define them either. i dream that we would all realize "whatever you did for the least of these, you did unto Me" --matthew 25:40.  i dream of all of us valuing others (near and very far) above ourselves.

i desire to not care. i desire for Him to be my single focus. my utmost joy.
the joy that shone through stephen's face as he was stoned, how Jesus STOOD at the right hand of God as the beloved stephen was being stoned (seriously! the only place in the bible where Jesus is stated to be standing at the right hand of God, as opposed to seated). i want that joy. in the midst of screams, threats, taunts...i want that joy, that gazes upward, that allows my face to shine like the sun. in the midst of living in one of the most materialistic societies, to gaze upward.

when i was in burma with a mission group, one of the secret locations we visited had a secret "vestibule of water" behind it. people in this restricted land are so desperate for Jesus, to receive Him, to experience freedom in their hearts that they joyfully are baptized in this:

one of the doctors we were with jokingly pleaded with us to not request to be baptized in this. i wanted to. i wanted to feel that solidarity in desperate joy with these people. (i was overruled and not allowed...a liability issue, even the host "pastor" wouldn't allow it).

what a beautiful thing. to look upon such a dirty, grimy, "scary" vestibule of water, and know that here, joy and new life was shown in symbolic form. i picture the faces of men and women as they are pushed underwater here, and then the shinning joy that radiates as they are brought back up. 

here's my plea: that you would know the joy in abandoning everything, not just material possessions (that's easy for some, including me), but abandon the desire to define yourself in anyway other than a child of God, abandon the desire to criticize the reflection in the mirror, drop your head in shame at the size of your clothing. He says: "you are all together beautiful my darling, there is no blemish in you" --song of solomon 4:7

there are much bigger issues to fight for in His Kingdom. there is far too much praying to be done, far too much fighting for the defenseless to be done. too many people who need to feel loved. too many people to search for and hear they matter. 

to make it more accountable, i'm stepping back from that. i'm stepping back from criticizing myself. for each insecurity, criticism of self i have, i am going to turn it into a prayer for someone else. insecure of my weight? i will pray for the hungry bellies of the millions of children worldwide to be fed. insecure of my appearance, i will pray for security of women of the muslim faith who must cover their faces....and so on. 

"you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what i now being done, the saving of many lives" --genesis 50:20

smiles, loves, gestures, and the balm of gilead.

for the first time in the history of our marriage (all 4 months of it), i have no laundry to do.  so, i'll write.

i had a dream the other night, and i am still disturbed by it. i dreamed that the husband and i were on a mission trip together in uganda. the group we were with was taking a lunch break, so we each found a spot for our own little picnic and began to eat. out of my peripheral, i saw a little boy sitting about 3 feet from me. he was dirty, sores on his tiny body, and belly swollen from malnourishment. i continued to eat my lunch, pretending as if i did not see him. i could see him looking at me, sad eyes, lips quivering from hunger, and i continued to pretend as if i did not see him, hoarding this food to myself.
i fear this is my subconscious mind telling me what kind of person i really am. that i am capable of doing so much more than i am, so much more than i am willing to sacrifice to do bigger things, help more....maybe i've just gotten really good at putting on a front that deceives people into thinking i have a better heart than i do.

i have this incredible friend, who is awesome at ministering to others. inviting the "outcasts" into her and her husband's home, approaching them and befriending them, encouraging them. she pretty much has that missionary to the  poor and powerless all the time here stateside. i've always found it easier to travel to far off lands and love on the dirty, poor, hungry, and powerless there, but, i ignore those people here. it seems i save my "missionary heart" for after i pass through customs in some other country. it's easy to love on people when you traveled to do it, raised money to do it, take a bunch of pictures of yourself doing it, and refer to what you are doing unto itself as a "mission trip". but, our lives should be missions. daily, we should be the hands and feet of Jesus, extending smiles to those around us, approaching those whom the Spirit moves on us as hurting while we are out and about,
mother teresa once said, "every time you smile at someone it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing", and yet, i find myself daily, hoarding my smiles, giving them only to those that are "easy and fun" to be around.  why is this? why in real life, do i do as i did in that awful dream, and pretend no to see those around me that are hungry, hungry for love, hungry for acceptance, hungry to be wanted and belong.

i pray, pray, pray. i plea for a radical heart, that serves and loves those around me, when i am abroad and when i am home. i pray for a heart that does not differentiate when i am in another countries borders, and when i am in the borders of the states. let not my own wounds and insecurities prevent me from bringing a kind word, loving gesture, or heartfelt offering that acts as a balm of gilead to those i see in need.

“I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, 'How many good things have you done in your life?' rather he will ask, 'How much love did you put into what you did?” --mother teresa