someone much wiser than me once said that comparison is the thief of joy.
i was quiet the miserable little girl. while other girls had perfectly braided hair, mine was always frizzle-frazzle, other girls (in my perception) had perfectly straight teeth, and mine were gappy and crooked, and other little girls went home to their happy homes with a mom and dad, and i went home to an over-burdened single mother.
it's funny (in a sad way) how sad little girl issues can become insecure woman issues. on june 28th, i had my first date with who would be "wonderful husband, he says he knew right away that he was going to marry me, i knew that he knew, and this brought me some sense of comfort, peace, confidence...i knew that this guy saw something in me that no guy before him had. i knew that this guy thought the qualities of my personality were those that he could merge his life with and grow with. he saw a beauty in me that he wanted to see every day for the rest of his life. i can still question it, how and why, and i do, and i rob myself of joy. i can say that there are other women who are easier to love than me, who don't fret like i do, whose hearts don't break as much as mine does...there's to much i can do, and that i do which steals the joy ofour lives, my life.
i can look at other marriages, where they see each other for an hour in the morning, coffee in hands, together, and they spend hours in the evening together, over dinner, the pitter pat of little feet running through their home, or the laughter they share over the table together. the women walk upright with poise, they are light with concern, and void are the cry-lines from their forehead and eyes. the husbands have light afternoons and walk into light homes with light air and freshness that can rejuvenate any spirit. or so i imagine. i imagine this in contrast to my heavy heart that sometimes can only crumble into a heaping pile of concern for those i cannot reach and cannot help, i imagine this as i curl up in our bed, with tear-soaked eyes as the husband asks how he can help me, and i mutter out that he can't.
i imagine lots of scenarios for other couples, i imagine many non-existent marriages, and i create "spiritual barbie dolls" from those lovely ladies i see around me. i know it doesn't exist, and that in reality, there is some area, or many areas, in people's lives that are not how they imagined. we tell ourselves that everyone else is a better person, more gentle, wiser, spiritually stronger, and a better spouse. i steal the joy and God's plan for my life by comparing it to others'. we tell ourselves that everyone else is much more easily used by God, everyone else is much more easily loved by God.
we exist because God wanted to do something through us/with us that He didn't design and plan to do through someone else. when we/i compare ourselves to the make-believe lives of others, we incapacitate ourselves from being able joyfully walk in God's design for us. i know that God sees my end from beginning, that He sees His ultimate plan for me from where i am now. my frets, tears, and heavy heart have not changed the husband's heart for me, just as my weakness and stumbles will not change God's heart for me. just like the husband knew from our first date i was the one he'd marry, God knew from my origin in the womb His plan for me. as He does you, and the lady in front of us in the grocery store, and our co-worker, and so on.
i've found the best combatant for a heavy heart is to look around, there are others hurting all around us; to look around and serve, to focus on seeing others healed and made whole, in doing so, we redirect our eyes of ourself; we are our own biggest hindrance to His good works in our heart.
those around me and far away, those in need of service, or love, they can't wait for me to feel good about my self to reach out, they can't wait for me to feel like a barbie-christian to love them, to knock down walls for them.
i was quiet the miserable little girl. while other girls had perfectly braided hair, mine was always frizzle-frazzle, other girls (in my perception) had perfectly straight teeth, and mine were gappy and crooked, and other little girls went home to their happy homes with a mom and dad, and i went home to an over-burdened single mother.
it's funny (in a sad way) how sad little girl issues can become insecure woman issues. on june 28th, i had my first date with who would be "wonderful husband, he says he knew right away that he was going to marry me, i knew that he knew, and this brought me some sense of comfort, peace, confidence...i knew that this guy saw something in me that no guy before him had. i knew that this guy thought the qualities of my personality were those that he could merge his life with and grow with. he saw a beauty in me that he wanted to see every day for the rest of his life. i can still question it, how and why, and i do, and i rob myself of joy. i can say that there are other women who are easier to love than me, who don't fret like i do, whose hearts don't break as much as mine does...there's to much i can do, and that i do which steals the joy of
i can look at other marriages, where they see each other for an hour in the morning, coffee in hands, together, and they spend hours in the evening together, over dinner, the pitter pat of little feet running through their home, or the laughter they share over the table together. the women walk upright with poise, they are light with concern, and void are the cry-lines from their forehead and eyes. the husbands have light afternoons and walk into light homes with light air and freshness that can rejuvenate any spirit. or so i imagine. i imagine this in contrast to my heavy heart that sometimes can only crumble into a heaping pile of concern for those i cannot reach and cannot help, i imagine this as i curl up in our bed, with tear-soaked eyes as the husband asks how he can help me, and i mutter out that he can't.
i imagine lots of scenarios for other couples, i imagine many non-existent marriages, and i create "spiritual barbie dolls" from those lovely ladies i see around me. i know it doesn't exist, and that in reality, there is some area, or many areas, in people's lives that are not how they imagined. we tell ourselves that everyone else is a better person, more gentle, wiser, spiritually stronger, and a better spouse. i steal the joy and God's plan for my life by comparing it to others'. we tell ourselves that everyone else is much more easily used by God, everyone else is much more easily loved by God.
we exist because God wanted to do something through us/with us that He didn't design and plan to do through someone else. when we/i compare ourselves to the make-believe lives of others, we incapacitate ourselves from being able joyfully walk in God's design for us. i know that God sees my end from beginning, that He sees His ultimate plan for me from where i am now. my frets, tears, and heavy heart have not changed the husband's heart for me, just as my weakness and stumbles will not change God's heart for me. just like the husband knew from our first date i was the one he'd marry, God knew from my origin in the womb His plan for me. as He does you, and the lady in front of us in the grocery store, and our co-worker, and so on.
i've found the best combatant for a heavy heart is to look around, there are others hurting all around us; to look around and serve, to focus on seeing others healed and made whole, in doing so, we redirect our eyes of ourself; we are our own biggest hindrance to His good works in our heart.
those around me and far away, those in need of service, or love, they can't wait for me to feel good about my self to reach out, they can't wait for me to feel like a barbie-christian to love them, to knock down walls for them.
