leprosy and me and Jesus. and that perpetual goofball, peter.

if you're like me, a good christian, you've been watching The Bible on History Channel (totally kidding, please don't post hate comments). tonight's episode portrayed Jesus' healing of the leper. old testament law dictates that those affected with leprosy could not be in the midst of everyone else--and if they came within eyeshot of others they had to yell out "unclean! unclean" ensuring that everyone knew they were "unclean" and could not be touched, less the clean ones become infected with this uncleanness too. Jesus approached him when He heard him calling out, and to the shock (and to some, horror) of those around them, reached His hands out and embraced his face--touched him. the leper seemed as shocked as others to have been touched by anyone---but especially Jesus.  immediately, he was made whole--clean. not over a period of months, weeks, days, even hours--immediately. in the midst of trying to multi-task and do my tummy exercises while watching this, i found myself wiping the uncontrollable tears from my face.  much of me identifies with the leper. the poor decisions i have made, the lives i have stolen happiness from, the havoc i have caused, and all the times (many times a day) i have been a wretched example of a christian. i read the writings of amy carmichael, mother teresa, elisabeth elliot, and i feel in the midst of incredible, loving, gentle christian (women) like them, i have to throw my hands up and shout "unclean! unclean!" i cannot be touched, i cannot be welcomed in, and why on earth, with christians like them to walk in the midst of, would He want to come to me, touch me, embrace my face, with all my uncleanness. i understand that i am not actually unclean, that i am redeemed, that He has already made me whole--but i still struggle with my new identity at times. i too often, identify with the leper; but even in the dirty, disease-ridden state, the Christ still embraced the face of the leper. i no longer have to shout out "unclean! unclean!"

there was also the scene with peter and walking on water. the storms raged, and Jesus stood calmly on the water, calling peter to Him. He called peter! the one He knew would be too timid and scared and deny Him three times--that peter--He called him to walk on the stormy waters to Him. peter got out of the boat, he stood on the water, took a few steps, then let doubt sink in. once the doubt sunk in, he began to sink. Jesus wasn't doubting him--Jesus was the one calling peter to Him--peter is the one that began to doubt-not Jesus! that's kind of like us. Jesus calls us, plants gifts within us, and speaks to us. it's us who doubt what we are doing. the impact we are having. it's us who doubt if we are part of His plan, part of loving others, part of being His hands and feet. it's our doubt that causes us to sink, not His doubt in us. and like peter, once we begin to sink, He will still pull us up, and He will still proclaim to us that He will build His church upon us.

i'm going to do something wild and wacky and crazy and fun, and connect winston churchhill with a bible verse ('cause i'm daring like that). churchhill once said, "do what you can with what you have, where you are"....don't wait to be changed to a foot, an eye, a hand, a missionary to india, ecuador, or to be smarter, prettier, richer, or have a sharper wit....He has equipped us, and planted us where we need to grow.
1 corinthians 12:14-20:

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. 19 If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts,yet one body.

if...

"If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love." --amy carmichael

during our engagement and wedding planning, the husband and i were thinking of having baby and childhood pictures of us placed throughout the reception area (for humorous reason of course), and as i rummaged through my childhood pictures, i was struck at the contrast of the happy, giddy, smiling baby/toddler/young child and the miserable, sad, unhappy adolescent.  i wonder at what point i let my fear of judgement and not being accepted begin to affect me. i have memories of being a very young girl, and seeing my peers, who i presumed were well known to be cuter than me, whose parents were still married, etc. being a preschool teacher now, i can spot some of those tendencies in some of of my little ones, and i want desperately to speak truth into their lives. i can see a path of self-doubt they are headed down, and i breathlessly, desperately want to head that off, divert it, pointing them down a path filled with inward love, that pours outwardly. if not diverted from that path at an early age, i know first hand how hard it is later to find your way from the path of doubt, morose shadowing, and reluctance. as much as i wish it were otherwise, i still find myself stumbling back into this path. i question how much joy, and for how long, did i rob myself of? how much joy am i still robbing myself of? the husband is one of the most sensitive people i know. my sadness makes him sad, and then that makes me more sad-that i'm making him sad. he encourages me, speaks truth to me, and is strong when i am weak--which is more often than not. i can't help but feel the weight is not easily shared. i see these incredible women around me, doing incredible things; they are so strong, so confident, so joyful, so graceful, so powerful, and i want that, i crave that strong joy that brings about an almost indestructible strength. i've looked up to women like mother teresa, amy carmichael, and elisabeth elliot, and i've attributed my comparatively unremarkable life to inability or unworthiness, instead of seeking how to grow where i am planted. "If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love." --amy carmichael.  

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. --1 corinthians 12:14-20

we are in danger of missing our original design when we cannot accept that our purpose does not look like that of someone we have looked up to. we deflate the beauty, power and magnitude of God's perfect and sovereign design when we belittle our work, self, and giftings because they are not what we have designated as superior; in addition, we rob ourselves of the joy He has stored up for us. He is the maker of all things good, beautiful, and perfect, lets live in our good, beautiful, and perfect life with joy and without comparison. in this, we may find that we are able to love those who may need our love the most, when we would have otherwise missed them altogether because we were focused elsewhere. 

 ...and remember, many are happy with less than what you have

...and make a pinky-promise with someone to always hold each other accountable and edify :) 

more grace

every few weeks i choose a word/quality that i know i need to grow in, and focus on it. i tune into my day, my thoughts, and my actions, taking those thoughts captive (2 corinthians 10:5--We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.)

i tend to be a perfectionist, holding myself to a ridiculously high standard, and don't have much grace for myself when i fall short. while having a casual chat with my boss about some things going on, it became clear to me the source of why i feel so crushed when i (feel) i let someone down: i don't have grace for myself; and because i don't have grace for myself, i cannot accept grace from others...the paradox of this is that if i had grace for myself, i wouldn't need grace from others. if i knew that my identity was new, and that i was covered in redemption, i wouldn't perceive that my mistakes were impossible to recover from. i wouldn't believe that any stains accrued were permanent. the truth is, i have put off the old self, i have been renewed in the spirit of the mind, and my new self is created in the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (ephesians 4:22-23). there are so many Godly women that inspire me, and the trap i allow my mind to fall into is that i am tarnished beyond repair in comparison to them. i have allowed my shortcomings to "outshine" the areas He as gifted me in-the areas He has called out in me to reach others.

more grace. more grace. more grace. 

i've been failing

sharp, prepared, strong, and determined. those used to describe me.
dull, ill-prepared, fragile, and complacent are more accurate now.

i had dreams of being mountain-like.
i had hope that i'd be as elisabeth elliot, and yet i find that i'm more like a timid scared orpah (yeah, looks like oprah...orpah was the girl in the story of ruth who chose to leave naomi and go back to her homeland when ruth said "where you go i'll go"....

it's a scary thing to feel weakness encroaching upon you
it's an even scarier thing to realize that you're just now realizing this is what has been happening.

c.s. lewis once wrote, "if in find myself in a desire which noting in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is i was meant for another"
i'd like to say that's what my problem is, but it's really that i'm still seeking perfection.

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold." --job 23:10 these ladies totally sharpen me, i recommend everyone have lovely sharpeners :) (proverbs 27:17). having lovelies that build you up in Christ is imperative. totally.