...and not ashamed

i have a fairly large tattoo on my left arm....see:

bytheway, this is the back of me, many people are confused and perplexed....

most of the time, i LOVE my tattoo. i love the verse/story it was inspired by (luke 24:32)...after Christ's death and resurrection, two of the disciples were on the road to emmaus, when a man came to them. they did not recognize him as he asked them what they were talking about (reports that Christ's body was not in the tomb and He had risen). they began to tell this man about Christ, and all the events that led to his crucifixion and ressurection. when they arrived to their destination, they went to the upper room to have a meal, and the man went up with them. he offered to bless the food, and broke the bread. as soon as he broke the bread, it says their eyes were opened and they recognized Him and He disappeared from their sight. they turned to each other and said, "did our hearts not burn within us he talked with us on the road and opened the scripture to us?!"
it's my reminder to feel, "is my heart burning within me?"

i'm getting married in one week...one! to the most wonderful (soon to be) husband there is. i'm biased, sorry :)
(soon to be) husband is incredible. he's loving, gentle, kind, patient, encouraging, and so supportive of me, and all my variety of pants (cranky, fussy, stressed, sad).
my dress is beautiful...really, really, really beautiful. i'd describe it, but mr. wonderful sometimes reads this (for an ego boost :) ) and i don't want him to have any clue about my dress---shhhhhh!

every girl wants to be the most beautiful bride she can be. each may have their own idea of what the most beautiful is, and that is even more beautiful.  some of us want to be thin, some toned, some curvy. some of us want trumpet gowns, some mermaid, some ball gowns, some layered, etc. some of us want vintage, some elegant, some formal, some bohemian, etc. some find the most beauty in quirky, some find it in natural, and so on. there is no one way to be the most beautiful bride.  at some point today, when i was joyfully thinking "i'll be marrying this amazing guy in one week!" i felt this crushing weight, this ugly thought, "i could be more beautiful for him if i didn't have this huge tattoo on my arm....i won't be able to look perfect for him". i felt pangs of sadness sweeping through me. the thoughts crept in--his breath is not going to be taken away. i felt the pangs of sadness, sadness that he would see me, and his eyes first grow toward my tattoo, and not me, as his whole bride, being brought to him.  through this temporary sadness, i did what anyone would do, i posted about it on facebook. dear friends immediately responded rebuking this. and then he did too. after his cousin commented that as long as it isn't across my forehead, i'm good, he replied, "Across the forehead would be cool! I love my girl just the way she is!!" 

i then remember the story of adam and eve in genesis, when it is said they were naked and not ashamed. before sin and the fall of man, they were naked and not ashamed.  i thought about this, and i thought  about where the shame comes from, relating to this. and, it's this: my identity. where am i finding my identity? i slip sometimes and look for it places it cannot be found. as a (soon to be) imperfect wife, i can measure myself against a lot of women, a lot of ideals, a lot of articles, pictures, movies, shows, etc. and that opens me to shame, sadness, failure complexes. or, i can measure myself to scripture, to His best for me. and He says: 

"you are all together beautiful my darling, there is no blemish in you" --song of solomon 4:7

the world tells us we can always be more beautiful. He tells us we are perfectly beautiful. 

'til death

we are two weeks from the wedding. two weeks until we stand before God and our friends and family and make our vows to each other.

"If the ultimate meaning of marriage is to represent the unbreakable covenant-love between Christ and His church (Eph. 5:22-33), then no human being has a right to break a marriage covenant. When the impossible day comes that Christ breaks His vow, "I am with you always, to the end of the age" (Matt. 28:20), then, on that day, a human being may break his marriage covenant." --john piper (this momentary marriage).

as we each near the point of exhaustion, we continue to find peace, comfort, and rest in each other's presence. there's days i just want to curl up next to him, and block the world out. even in his own exhaustion he is still gracious and loving. i read all these blogs written by wives and mothers who seem near perfect, and i sometimes become sad because i want him to have that "perfect" wife and mother to his children. i want him to be able to come home to an always spotless house and perfectly cooked meals and perfectly prim and proper wife, but i know reality is: that isn't going to happen. proverbs 31 does say that a wife should tend to her household and make light work for her husband, but in our pinterest generation, i believe we have began to grossly misinterpret what that means. our hearts should be what is kept clean and in prim and proper order first, because that's what all else flows from. 
proverbs 4:23 tells us this: "above ALL ELSE, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life". i am to guard what images, words, messages, etc that go into my heart. i must also guard my mind against these, my eyes, my ears--those are the passage ways to the heart. 

on a side note, there's nothing like a marriage, or entering into one to make you realize how truly selfish you really are. even in our exhaustion, stress, and sickness, we still seek how to best love each other. we work daily to grow to the place where no amount of stress, exhaustion, sickness, or trails lessen the love we have for each other. our love grows more through these things, because the love we have for Him grows more through the trails. we work daily so that our lives represent the never failing love He has for us. 

but first, i'm going to go over cook some french toast. :) 

15 days.

we're all marriage licensed up. i became a little stressed in the process, but (soon to be) husband brought me back to calm again, as always. :)

15 days, and he goes from (soon to be) to just "husband".

i met him at his work tonight to deliver him some fuel in a cup (starbucks). he invited me in to giddily show me off to his night crew, which completely boosted my feel good outlook--who doesn't like to be bragged about?! :) --especially when it's their 6'2 240lb fiance who can build a house with his bare hands doing it giddily!

he's incredible. i am blessed. he calms me, encourages me, and makes me laugh even when i'm wearing my stress/cranky/fussy pants. 

(soon to be) husband is quiet the rock

i'm  a preschool teacher. i have a classroom of 18 adorable, energetic, brilliant, and melt-down prone 4 year olds. i've seen these little ones become puddles of lip-trembling, floor grabbing, crying messes. this is usually caused by someone saying "such and such" or doing "this and that" sometimes it's over not being able to find the periwinkle colored crayon.... there's times my co-teacher and i exchange "seriously, this is about that" looks (covertly of course, their feelings are of the utmost import) and then we quickly scoop them into our arms, or kneel down beside them and calmly talk them through the life-ruining incident of wanting the bulldozer but having to settle for the dump truck. (soon to be) husband does this for me on a pretty much daily basis now too.

today's lip quivering, floor grabbing, trembling cry fest was well called for though. i have a very close family member, whom is ill (more so mentally than physically, but, they're both tied together...), and this close male family member sometimes says very unkind things. i had become pretty great at drawing  boundaries, which resulted in conversations being had only every few months. well, with mr. wonderful and i's wedding quickly approaching, my communication with this family member has had to increase. i received a phone call from a number i didn't recognize, so i did what anyone would do, i answered it (never do this, seriously, and the one time i do!). i was greeted with unkindness, to say the least. after a few moments of being verbally treated like a barroom brawl, and me staring almost blankly at (soon to be) husband, then looking at him with a hurt-filled expression, i decided to hang up. the damage had already been done though. tears welled up in my eyes, my lip quivered, and i turned away from the stove where i was heating up those awesome left-overs from yesterday. mr. wonderful embraced me, and turned off the stove, and then embraced me again. he offered words of encouragement, but much like my 4 year olds in class, i wasn't really hearing them. i pouted. i stared at my delicious food, no longer hungry, i wanted to become a puddle. he sat the table for me and pulled his chair next to mine. how could i refuse this?! i took my bowl of delicious left over chicken enchilada made up crock pot soup thing, and sat next to him. he led us in prayer, comforted me, encouraged me, supported me. then, like my 4 year olds in class, i pulled myself from being a puddly  mess in the floor, and just cuddled to him. he continued to encourage me, support me, and be so gentle with me-a stark contrast to the family member i had just spoken with.

i love this man.

"In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," --isaiah 66:9 (ncb translation) 
(soon to be) husband sharpens me, and always is the perfect example of gentle strength with me.  through the times that mr. wonderful has to be gentle and strong with me/for me, i know that God is birthing a new thing in me and through me. 

he's not marrying me for my baking ability

we both had today off, and had originally decided that we'd be lazy today and watch dr. who all day long. we haven't watched a single episode.  but i did successfully make one of the worst loaves of bread, ever--i'll talk about that later.

my pants today: grumpy pants. yet again, his patience never ceases to amaze me. the stress leading up to the wedding has been incredible, i hope that's what it is, because it's what i've been blaming my huge supply of grumpy, fussy, and cranky pants on...guess we'll know on jan. 20 :)
also.....i've come to realize that the honeymoon actually has NOTHING to do with sex, and everything to do with recovering from one of the busiest, most stressful spans of time you go through. "whoa, you sound like a bridezilla" you may say. ill nay nay. the wedding is actually low key, but somehow it's still stressful; perhaps this is why people hire wedding planners.

once i changed out of my grumpy pants today (into a way more becoming pair of adorable pants), i decided to cook for him-some made up recipes. i had a 50% success rate on this idea. the success: chicken enchilada crock pot soup thing.  see, it began as we were going to make chicken tacos, and i just wanted to make the chicken super tender by cooking it in the crock pot. but then, we went to the store, and i saw all kinds of yummy stuff, so i changed my mind, he nodded and said, "yes, dear". it turned out well, see:

yummy made up chicken enchilada soup with guacamole. also, he has big hands.

then, i had this brilliant idea! i'll make greek yogurt bread! i've never really made bread before (because a roll of pillsbury crescent rolls and biscuits doesn't count), but i thought, eh, it can't be that hard!  i used some flour, some honey greek yogurt and a dash of salt (because almost every recipe calls for a dash of salt...). well, it'll make a great paperweight:

it was so bad, i couldn't even fret. not at all like the time i tried to make a birthday cake for Jesus at christmas and went to frost it, only to have the top of the cake move around with the spread frosting (which is NOT supposed to happen--Jesus would not want an imperfect birthday cake). i cried real tears, and my (soon to be) husband, who is normally the most patient person with me in the world, didn't even know how to respond to this crying fit. looking back, it was all quiet silly.

bytheway, the candles are in an infiinity pattern--because how many candles do you put on Jesus' birthday cake? 

want to try my made up chicken enchilada crock pot soup recipe? here it is:
about a pound of frozen chicken breast
a packet of taco seasoning
one cup water
--put all this in the crock pot
when the chicken is cooked, you add:
a small bag of frozen corn niblets
a can of drained and rinsed black beans
a can of fire roasted tomatoes that was cooked with a packet of enchilada sauce mix and one cup water

--continue to crock for another hour. enjoy!
i like it with guacamole too (well, i think anything goes with guacamole)--i added a scoop to my bowl, but the (soon to be) husband just ate his guacamole with chips.

when the (soon to be) husband loves me on days when i have on my fussy pants, it reminds me much more of Christ's great love for us:
Romans 8:37-39
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.