for the first time in the history of our marriage (all 4 months of it), i have no laundry to do. so, i'll write.
i had a dream the other night, and i am still disturbed by it. i dreamed that the husband and i were on a mission trip together in uganda. the group we were with was taking a lunch break, so we each found a spot for our own little picnic and began to eat. out of my peripheral, i saw a little boy sitting about 3 feet from me. he was dirty, sores on his tiny body, and belly swollen from malnourishment. i continued to eat my lunch, pretending as if i did not see him. i could see him looking at me, sad eyes, lips quivering from hunger, and i continued to pretend as if i did not see him, hoarding this food to myself.
i fear this is my subconscious mind telling me what kind of person i really am. that i am capable of doing so much more than i am, so much more than i am willing to sacrifice to do bigger things, help more....maybe i've just gotten really good at putting on a front that deceives people into thinking i have a better heart than i do.
i have this incredible friend, who is awesome at ministering to others. inviting the "outcasts" into her and her husband's home, approaching them and befriending them, encouraging them. she pretty much has that missionary to the poor and powerless all the time here stateside. i've always found it easier to travel to far off lands and love on the dirty, poor, hungry, and powerless there, but, i ignore those people here. it seems i save my "missionary heart" for after i pass through customs in some other country. it's easy to love on people when you traveled to do it, raised money to do it, take a bunch of pictures of yourself doing it, and refer to what you are doing unto itself as a "mission trip". but, our lives should be missions. daily, we should be the hands and feet of Jesus, extending smiles to those around us, approaching those whom the Spirit moves on us as hurting while we are out and about,
mother teresa once said, "every time you smile at someone it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing", and yet, i find myself daily, hoarding my smiles, giving them only to those that are "easy and fun" to be around. why is this? why in real life, do i do as i did in that awful dream, and pretend no to see those around me that are hungry, hungry for love, hungry for acceptance, hungry to be wanted and belong.
i pray, pray, pray. i plea for a radical heart, that serves and loves those around me, when i am abroad and when i am home. i pray for a heart that does not differentiate when i am in another countries borders, and when i am in the borders of the states. let not my own wounds and insecurities prevent me from bringing a kind word, loving gesture, or heartfelt offering that acts as a balm of gilead to those i see in need.
“I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, 'How many good things have you done in your life?' rather he will ask, 'How much love did you put into what you did?” --mother teresa
i had a dream the other night, and i am still disturbed by it. i dreamed that the husband and i were on a mission trip together in uganda. the group we were with was taking a lunch break, so we each found a spot for our own little picnic and began to eat. out of my peripheral, i saw a little boy sitting about 3 feet from me. he was dirty, sores on his tiny body, and belly swollen from malnourishment. i continued to eat my lunch, pretending as if i did not see him. i could see him looking at me, sad eyes, lips quivering from hunger, and i continued to pretend as if i did not see him, hoarding this food to myself.
i fear this is my subconscious mind telling me what kind of person i really am. that i am capable of doing so much more than i am, so much more than i am willing to sacrifice to do bigger things, help more....maybe i've just gotten really good at putting on a front that deceives people into thinking i have a better heart than i do.
i have this incredible friend, who is awesome at ministering to others. inviting the "outcasts" into her and her husband's home, approaching them and befriending them, encouraging them. she pretty much has that missionary to the poor and powerless all the time here stateside. i've always found it easier to travel to far off lands and love on the dirty, poor, hungry, and powerless there, but, i ignore those people here. it seems i save my "missionary heart" for after i pass through customs in some other country. it's easy to love on people when you traveled to do it, raised money to do it, take a bunch of pictures of yourself doing it, and refer to what you are doing unto itself as a "mission trip". but, our lives should be missions. daily, we should be the hands and feet of Jesus, extending smiles to those around us, approaching those whom the Spirit moves on us as hurting while we are out and about,
mother teresa once said, "every time you smile at someone it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing", and yet, i find myself daily, hoarding my smiles, giving them only to those that are "easy and fun" to be around. why is this? why in real life, do i do as i did in that awful dream, and pretend no to see those around me that are hungry, hungry for love, hungry for acceptance, hungry to be wanted and belong.
i pray, pray, pray. i plea for a radical heart, that serves and loves those around me, when i am abroad and when i am home. i pray for a heart that does not differentiate when i am in another countries borders, and when i am in the borders of the states. let not my own wounds and insecurities prevent me from bringing a kind word, loving gesture, or heartfelt offering that acts as a balm of gilead to those i see in need.
“I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, 'How many good things have you done in your life?' rather he will ask, 'How much love did you put into what you did?” --mother teresa
No comments:
Post a Comment