i love my fat cat who thinks he's a dog. but he has the most vile litter box habits. the husband and i have been awoken from a dead sleep before due to the acute, emerging repulsive smell coming from it. i hate changing his litter box. it's disgusting, and well, yucky. i don't deal well with yuck. husband has trash duty (most the time, sometimes i take it out, because i don't want to continue to nag, and be "that wife"), and other yuck duties, i think litter box duty should fall into this category, but it doesn't, because the fat cat-dog is mine. i haven't cleaned the litter box in about 3 days, neither have i cleaned the kitchen in the same amount of time. i feel like a failure. a disgusting, gross, yucky failure. and that's put me in a foul mood.
i really don't know how to break this mindset, that the cleanliness of our room, kitchen, fatso cat-dog's litter box is directly correlated to my lovely-wife status. stuck in traffic this morning, i was sulking. my mind was so focused on the uncleaned litter box, the full sink, the laundry pilling up-again, and in the midst of bumper to bumper traffic, i could see clearly the people in the cars next to me (mainly because we were moving only 5 mph), and they looked so pulled together, so proper, so clean. images of me running around this morning like a chicken with it's head cut off filled my thoughts, and i created some june cleaver scene in my head that these other women had this morning. i imagined their bedrooms being perfectly decorated in a shabby-chick setting, fresh potpourri filing the room with lovely scents, their kitchen, sparkling clean, smelling bleach and lemony fresh. i imagined their hearts bursting with love, overflowing to a gushy, uplifting, encouragement persona for all those around them; and then i compared myself. the litter box on the forefront of my mind, the full sink, my haphazardly pieced together outfit this morning, the stressful day ahead, full of icee trucks and water play, that leaves me trying to change (2 times within an hour period) 12 three to four year olds. and then, he called. the husband who was scheduled to work today at 9, and had left the house about 15 minutes after me. he was so calm and jovial. we was only half a mile behind me, and had just then encountered the same traffic line i had been in for 30 minutes. he was behind it, so he hadn't been that affected by it. and i was snippy. he was so happy, and perky, and i wasn't, and i felt as if was a slap in the face (which it wasn't, at all!)...."oh, no traffic for me, guess you just left at the wrong time", and the litter box made me do it, the kitchen sink made me do it, and i became frustrated, irritable, and unpleasant. not only was i a poor housekeeper, i was also a snippy traffic driver. all these things together, and my femininity came into question, proverbs 31 seemed like a taunt, 1 peter 3:3-4 seemed like they were patronizing me, because i was so far from quiet and gentle. i later texted the husband and apologized for being ugly on the phone. i'm working on this quality of focusing on others, and not myself so much. i believe that if i focus on relationships with others, instead of my own faults and short-comings, that God can then change my heart. i can't change my heart, only God can do that. by focusing so much on myself, criticizing myself, comparing myself to make-believe people and those fictional perfect wives, i leave no room for God to do what He needs in my heart, in me.
i thank God for a kitchen that has a stove, a sink, a dishwasher, and a refrigerator full of food. i thank God for a closet full of clothes that i can't choose an outfit from. i thank God for silly luxuries like a fat cat that thinks he's a dog, when there are women all over the world that cannot afford to feed their children.
his litter box ruins my life, but he's worth it.
a perfect representation of how i see me....
how the camera sees me.
i mainly write so that others will know: we all struggle. not many people feel like they have everything together. if me being completely open about my housekeeping ineptness and spasticness lets another fretting wife know she's not alone, my joy is in that. :)
i really don't know how to break this mindset, that the cleanliness of our room, kitchen, fatso cat-dog's litter box is directly correlated to my lovely-wife status. stuck in traffic this morning, i was sulking. my mind was so focused on the uncleaned litter box, the full sink, the laundry pilling up-again, and in the midst of bumper to bumper traffic, i could see clearly the people in the cars next to me (mainly because we were moving only 5 mph), and they looked so pulled together, so proper, so clean. images of me running around this morning like a chicken with it's head cut off filled my thoughts, and i created some june cleaver scene in my head that these other women had this morning. i imagined their bedrooms being perfectly decorated in a shabby-chick setting, fresh potpourri filing the room with lovely scents, their kitchen, sparkling clean, smelling bleach and lemony fresh. i imagined their hearts bursting with love, overflowing to a gushy, uplifting, encouragement persona for all those around them; and then i compared myself. the litter box on the forefront of my mind, the full sink, my haphazardly pieced together outfit this morning, the stressful day ahead, full of icee trucks and water play, that leaves me trying to change (2 times within an hour period) 12 three to four year olds. and then, he called. the husband who was scheduled to work today at 9, and had left the house about 15 minutes after me. he was so calm and jovial. we was only half a mile behind me, and had just then encountered the same traffic line i had been in for 30 minutes. he was behind it, so he hadn't been that affected by it. and i was snippy. he was so happy, and perky, and i wasn't, and i felt as if was a slap in the face (which it wasn't, at all!)...."oh, no traffic for me, guess you just left at the wrong time", and the litter box made me do it, the kitchen sink made me do it, and i became frustrated, irritable, and unpleasant. not only was i a poor housekeeper, i was also a snippy traffic driver. all these things together, and my femininity came into question, proverbs 31 seemed like a taunt, 1 peter 3:3-4 seemed like they were patronizing me, because i was so far from quiet and gentle. i later texted the husband and apologized for being ugly on the phone. i'm working on this quality of focusing on others, and not myself so much. i believe that if i focus on relationships with others, instead of my own faults and short-comings, that God can then change my heart. i can't change my heart, only God can do that. by focusing so much on myself, criticizing myself, comparing myself to make-believe people and those fictional perfect wives, i leave no room for God to do what He needs in my heart, in me.
i thank God for a kitchen that has a stove, a sink, a dishwasher, and a refrigerator full of food. i thank God for a closet full of clothes that i can't choose an outfit from. i thank God for silly luxuries like a fat cat that thinks he's a dog, when there are women all over the world that cannot afford to feed their children.
i mainly write so that others will know: we all struggle. not many people feel like they have everything together. if me being completely open about my housekeeping ineptness and spasticness lets another fretting wife know she's not alone, my joy is in that. :)
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