if...

"If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love." --amy carmichael

during our engagement and wedding planning, the husband and i were thinking of having baby and childhood pictures of us placed throughout the reception area (for humorous reason of course), and as i rummaged through my childhood pictures, i was struck at the contrast of the happy, giddy, smiling baby/toddler/young child and the miserable, sad, unhappy adolescent.  i wonder at what point i let my fear of judgement and not being accepted begin to affect me. i have memories of being a very young girl, and seeing my peers, who i presumed were well known to be cuter than me, whose parents were still married, etc. being a preschool teacher now, i can spot some of those tendencies in some of of my little ones, and i want desperately to speak truth into their lives. i can see a path of self-doubt they are headed down, and i breathlessly, desperately want to head that off, divert it, pointing them down a path filled with inward love, that pours outwardly. if not diverted from that path at an early age, i know first hand how hard it is later to find your way from the path of doubt, morose shadowing, and reluctance. as much as i wish it were otherwise, i still find myself stumbling back into this path. i question how much joy, and for how long, did i rob myself of? how much joy am i still robbing myself of? the husband is one of the most sensitive people i know. my sadness makes him sad, and then that makes me more sad-that i'm making him sad. he encourages me, speaks truth to me, and is strong when i am weak--which is more often than not. i can't help but feel the weight is not easily shared. i see these incredible women around me, doing incredible things; they are so strong, so confident, so joyful, so graceful, so powerful, and i want that, i crave that strong joy that brings about an almost indestructible strength. i've looked up to women like mother teresa, amy carmichael, and elisabeth elliot, and i've attributed my comparatively unremarkable life to inability or unworthiness, instead of seeking how to grow where i am planted. "If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love." --amy carmichael.  

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. --1 corinthians 12:14-20

we are in danger of missing our original design when we cannot accept that our purpose does not look like that of someone we have looked up to. we deflate the beauty, power and magnitude of God's perfect and sovereign design when we belittle our work, self, and giftings because they are not what we have designated as superior; in addition, we rob ourselves of the joy He has stored up for us. He is the maker of all things good, beautiful, and perfect, lets live in our good, beautiful, and perfect life with joy and without comparison. in this, we may find that we are able to love those who may need our love the most, when we would have otherwise missed them altogether because we were focused elsewhere. 

 ...and remember, many are happy with less than what you have

...and make a pinky-promise with someone to always hold each other accountable and edify :)